


October 31st 2019

by showhoaddict



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: #showho #monstax, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:00:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27095428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showhoaddict/pseuds/showhoaddict
Summary: What happened in October 31st 2019 and how it changed everything for Hoseok, Hyunwoo and the rest of Monsta X.
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho & Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	October 31st 2019

**Author's Note:**

> T/W memories from October 31st 2019. 
> 
> This is all based on my imagination, paired with the reality happened. This is my first time writing :""""""

_CH. 1_

_How Everything Started with an End_

_I’m ruined._

That sentence flashed like a neon sign of cheap small bar all over Hoseok’s mind when he saw his childhood friend’s post in the instagram. All of the things he’d said and done to her flashed. He should’ve known, no. He knew this day will come. The day his past comes to trap him in another nightmare.

Five years, he’d been prepared for five years and yet when it actually came, Hoseok wasn’t ready. It’s their comeback week, they hadn’t even had their comeback stage yet.

But when he woke up today to get ready for the schedule, he somehow knew that the award ceremony and M Countdown recording today would be his last stage with his group. His last stage for good, even.

So Hoseok did his best to hide what he actually felt. The heavy atmosphere stayed in the group the whole day but Hoseok didn’t even dare to open his mouth. He was afraid that once he did, he would only cry and crying was not good. Not at this time. So Hoseok stayed silent, laughing when Minhyuk tried to make him laugh, smiling when Jooheon asked him to, talking when Hyungwon and Kihyun started the conversation, patting back when Changkyun nuzzled like how Bomie did.

Hyunwoo.. Hyunwoo was the most difficult. Hoseok had been avoiding him since he woke up that day, to find Hyunwoo sitting on his bed, patting him to wake up instead of the usual Kihyun. It took all his will to not break down in front of Hyunwoo. Not again.

Last night, when everyone was at the dorm, Hoseok scraped all the bravado left in him to tell everything to Hyunwoo. What actually happened, how his relationship with Daeun ended, how he’d tried to contact his childhood friend, his worries and his fears of how things might turn dire. Hoseok didn’t cry. Not even when he told his best friend what decision he might gonna take and how it’ll affect the group and the future.

Hyunwoo only stayed in silent and nodded. By the time Hoseok finished, Hyunwoo put his arm around Hoseok. The gym was empty except the two of them. In the silence, Hyunwoo patted his friend. It was a gesture Hyunwoo rarely did to him. When it was only the two of them, Hyunwoo was always good with his words, unlike how he did with the others. So when it was only reassuring touch instead of words, Hoseok knew that his bestfriend was at a loss of words.

Above everything, Hoseok felt sorry. He knew that by telling this to Hyunwoo, it meant putting more burdens in those broad shoulders. But Hoseok couldn’t help it. He could only talk about this with Hyunwoo. Only Hyunwoo would understand why he made that decision.

“Come, let’s go eat something.” Hyunwoo asked him.

They were in the middle of the award show. The crowd was loud around them. In front of them, sat rows of some important people Hoseok could barely care. The only one he cared about was Monbebes behind him that kept on calling his name, saying they loved him. Hoseok couldn’t dare to greet him. He didn’t deserve that. Tomorrow, he’d hurt them.

Hyunwoo must’ve seen that. The offer was not merely an offer to take a rest, but a runaway from this, this burden of what’s gonna happen tomorrow. So Hoseok followed him to the backstage, despite his fear of being left alone with the leader only.

The waiting room was crowded with their staff. But instead of their usual cheerful clatter, there was a heavy atmosphere between them. The chatty hairstylist, makeup artist and outfit coordinator were around the make up booth, playing with their phones instead of laughing and gossiping. The two managers were asleep on the couch. Hoseok could only imagine how tired they must be. Hoseok sat on the big table full of gifts and foods from their fans.

Usually, by now their camera director would’ve pulled out the camera and recorded them to someday release it as a behind video for their fans but today, she just patted Hoseok by the shoulder and signaled the other staff to leave the room empty.

“Eat.” Hyunwoo opened the dinner box prepared by their fans in front of Hoseok. He split the bamboo chopstick in two and put it in Hoseok’s hand. “You haven’t eaten anything the whole day.”

Hoseok only stared at his box. He realized he hadn’t had anything that day. This week of comeback, it wasn’t a strange thing that the members didn’t eat. Hyunwoo himself had lost a lot of weight the past months, since they’re back to Korea after their world tour. But Hoseok wasn’t hungry. He just wanted to cry. So he only said, “You too. Eat.”

And then it hit on Hoseok that it could be their last meal together. So when Hyunwoo started to eat, Hoseok followed. He was in autopilot, ate when Hyunwoo ate, sipped his coffee when Hyunwoo did, took the side dishes Hyunwoo ate.

“You know,” Hyunwoo broke their silence. His eyes were at his half eaten donkatsu, frowning as if the donkatsu had somehow insulted him. “I don’t think that leaving is the only resource.”

Hoseok sighed. He put down his chopstick. “Hyunwoo-ya.” He was begging. They’d talked about this last night and he’d thought Hyunwoo had understood when he didn’t say anything to him.

“No, I mean I understand. I understand your circumstances but Hoseok, come on. There are better solutions than leaving.”

“What? What solutions? Leaving the company? All of us? Or what?”

“You can still stay.”

“And what if I stay? It’s not gonna end just with the debt, Hyunwoo. I told you that.”

“And so what?” Other people might not notice but Hoseok knew that slight edge in Hyunwoo’s voice gave way on how frustrated he was. “It’s all in the past and it’s not like you actually ever had drugs. Why should that be a problem?”

Hoseok rubs his face on his palms in frustration. “I told you, it won’t end if I don’t leave. They would just go after you. And then the others. Hyunwoo, I can’t let them go after the others. Not the boys. No. No way.”

Hoseok knew he was right when Hyunwoo didn’t say anything for a while. This was the best decision, and they both knew it assessing from the situation they were at.

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok said to his palm. He didn’t dare to face Hyunwoo’s face.

“Hey. No. Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”

Hoseok could feel tears forming in his eyes, his throat burned and he was sure that his voice would crack if he tried to speak now. So Hoseok just picked up his chopstick and stuffed foods into his mouth, without even noticing what and how it all tasted.

Hyunwoo didn’t say anything more. He also ate, putting a piece of his loved donkatsu on Hoseok’s rice, making Hoseok almost choke in tears on the blatant affection.

Hyunwoo was so nice. Was too nice. Even after everything, even knowing how Hoseok felt towards him, he wasn’t afraid of showing his brotherly affection. Didn’t even pull away despite knowing how touches would make Hoseok feel. Didn’t even feel disgusted by Hoseok’s feelings. Hoseok knew he would be forever indebted to Hyunwoo. Not only because of this event, but also and foremost because of Hoseok himself.

If only the world was just a little kinder to them. To him.

-

They finished late in the morning that day. The come back stage pre recording went longer than they expected. Many fans had come. Hoseok tried his best to look at them one by one in the eyes, knowing that sooner or later, this stage might be his last stage ever. So Hoseok took his time to memorize those faces.

The members tried their best to cheer up the atmosphere. Their effort choked Hoseok to tears but he played along. Guilt seeping in with every laughters he’d faked. By the end of the recording, Hoseok was drowning in it.

They just barely reached home, just about to get a little sleep before their next schedule when Hoseok saw it. Hyunwoo’s scandal all over the media.

It was bullshit. Hoseok knew that. He had laughed and teased him in a Vlive when he found Hyunwoo went home drunk at 3 am in the morning after being dumped by that girl. Hoseok had been very miserable when Hyunwoo said he’d gotten back to her and finding out she’d actually been married and the fact that Hyunwoo knew nothing of that was a relief and a revenge on its own but now it backlashed at him, piercing through his heart.

It’s his fault. Everything was his fault. Hoseok grabbed his hat, mask and car key. Without thinking twice, he sped to Starship office building.

\--

He had drafted the resign letter since he saw the news, had had it in his note app after that day he realized who was behind Daeun and her girlfriend.

Minhyuk had been calling since he left the parking lot of their apartment building and notifications from their kakaotalk room didn’t stop. Hoseok didn’t dare to open them. Seeing the cold eyes of the elders of the company in front of him, Hoseok knew that begging for their help wouldn’t help. It was him or the other members altogether. Him or the whole Monsta X.

He couldn’t risk the members. Not now. Not when the odds were still too much against them.

At just after three, Hoseok posted the letter.

\--

When he arrived at the dorm, everything was a mess. All of them had been crying, even Kihyun. Only Hyunwoo stood rigid, his eyes empty, losing its sureness that’s always reassuring. Maybe that’s why the boys had been crying. Because even Hyunwoo couldn’t do anything about this.

“Why, hyung, why?” Minhyuk was the only one who can form the words between his sobs. He was holding Jooheon, Hoseok could imagine how he must’ve broken in tears as he tried to reassure the younger. “Why should you leave?”

After that, it took hours and hours of persuasion from every member to make Hoseok stay. Everything was a stab to Hoseok’s heart but his mind was in contrast very calm and cool. The decision had been made and it was the best decision. He knew he’d done well. He knew it was the best decision even if the others failed to see it just yet.

“Minhyuk-ah. Guys. I need you to listen to me carefully, okay?”Hoseok kneeled on the floor, in front of the sofa where Minhyuk was holding Jooheon, Changkyun sobbing silently on the other side. Hyungwon, who was crying crouched on the floor and Kihyun, his hand on Hyungwon’s shoulders, swallowed their sobs and sit on the floor by the couch. Hyunwoo looked like he just snapped to reality when he saw Hoseok kneeled and he just sat beside Hoseok. Hoseok offered a smile, the least he could, despite knowing how he must have felt.

“First of all, I’m sorry. I know, I know it’s not my fault.” Hoseok put up his hand when he saw his brothers opened their mouths in protest. “I know. But it’s still my responsibility to the consequences of what I did in the past. It’s still there and it won’t get erased that easily. It’s not true, I’ve told you guys everything before but it’s now out there and I know it wouldn’t stop with that. The worst is yet to come and I would choose you, choose this team over myself. I’m sure you guys would make the same decision in my position. You guys have given me so much and I’m sorry that I can only give you this much. I wont forgive myself if I have to see all of us falling so please, please understand my decision.”

Hoseok looked at his brothers’ face one by one.

“Kihyun-ah. I trust you with the team. You always take care of everyone and I hope you’ll do too in the future. Don’t force yourself too much. Get along well with Hyungwon. Hyungwon, you know Kihyun can sometimes be too sensitive so don’t tease him too much. You’ll do great. You’re doing more than great so don’t worry about being on the stage anymore. Minhyuk-ah. Don’t cry. Stop crying. Get along well with monbebe. Scold them when you need to but don’t hate them. They’re like that because they love you so much. Jooheoney.. Honey.. you’re doing great. You know that I cherish you so much, right? Cry when you need to but please don’t forget to be happy too. And Changkyun... I’m sorry—hyung is sorry. I.. I love you guys. I’m sorry.”

“Hyung why are you talking like this.” Changkyun’s voice faltered. “Why—“ his voice halted and burst into a heart wrenching sob.

Hoseok fisted his hand so hard he could see the angry lines of vine snaking his skin. His throat hurt like hell but he couldn’t cry. If he cried, he would only make everything worse. Crying could wait. After this day, he’d have forever to cry by himself.

“You don’t have to leave. You know that. Hyung. Please Hyung.” Now Jooheon kneeled in front of him. It felt like a hundred daggers stabbing him from the inside and he wondered if it would feel less painful if he was able to see the blood.

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to leave. Please promise me you’ll stay together. I’m—“ Hoseok gulped. His voice waved a little. “I’m glad that I was part of this team.”

Hoseok couldn’t bare it. He knew if he stayed a second longer, he would no longer able to hold his tears so despite his brothers’ pleas, Hoseok stood up and headed to his room. He grabbed his luggage and stuffed all the things he needed the most inside.

“I’m sorry. Hoseok-ah. I’m so sorry.” It was Hyunwoo. Hoseok could hear him by the door. “It was my fault I’m so sorry. You don’t have to leave—“ his voice crack and Hoseok could hear his friend crying.

If the youngers’ cries felt like being stabbed by a dagger, Hyunwoo’s cry felt like millions of tiny needles were growing from his heart. Hoseok’s shoulders shook and he realized he had been crying when he saw the white windbreaker at the top of his luggage was splotched with tears. Hoseok shut his eyes close, swallowed and closed his luggage. He pulled up his courage and turned around to face Hyunwoo.

“Hyunwoo-ya. How can you be like this. Don’t forget that you’re the leader of this team. I’m so sorry but I need you to be strong. The boys need you to be strong. You are the greatest leader everyone can hope. I’m sure you’ll do well on your own. The boys love you. I love you. Thank you for being my best friend.” _Despite everything_ , Hoseok added to himself.

Dragging his luggage to the living room, Hoseok wiped the tears from his cheeks.

“Guys, get along well. Follow Hyunwoo. Take care of monbebe well. Don’t skip meals. Thankyou for everything.”

And that’s how Hoseok left the dorm and the boys, his house of five years. Hyunwoo accompanied him to the car, bringing his other luggage for him. He was still crying. Hoseok hugged him once before he entered the car and went to his mother’s.

Hoseok didn’t cry until he entered his old room in his mother’s house, when he lied in bed and staring at the less-familiar ceiling, the ceiling of his room but not the one in the dorm. The realization that there were no six other boys if he opened the door crunched him so hard that he was thankful for Bom-ie who suddenly showed up and lied down by his head. Hoseok buried his face on the cat’s fur and cried his heart out. Bom stayed despite its fur getting wet of tears. It stayed long even after Hoseok fell asleep, exhausted.

\--


End file.
